Help for Blended Families
Steps for Success in Stepfamily Development
Blended families are becoming the norm for Americans. Still, blending families can be difficult for adults and children. Certain steps make the transition smoother.
More and more the blended family is becoming the family of America. In fact, according to the American Blended Family Association, more than 20 million blended families currently reside in the U.S. Further, that number is growing as approximately 2,100 new blended families are formed every day.
However, while blended families may become the norm for Americans, blending families can be a very tumultuous task, resulting in conflict and emotional distress for adults and children. Here are some suggestions for success.
The Seven Stages of a Blended Family
Family Life Specialist, Patricia Papernow, has identified seven stages of stepfamily development which have become widely accepted and utilized by family therapists and theorists world wide. The average family takes four to seven years to move through the following cycle:
- Fantasy: Step-parents may fantasize “This is going to be so much fun” or “It will be so great when we are all together.” Step-Children, however, often fantasize differently buying into the myth of the wicked step-mother/step-father or imagining that their biological parents will eventually get back together.
- Immersion: Fantasies fade and issues emerge, generally characterized by a competition of needs (e.g. a child not wanting to give up time with a parent so that the parent can spend time with their spouse, a step-parent who is hurt by difficulty bonding with an adolescent because as a teen he/she is in a developmental differentiation mode, etc.). Families can get stuck in this stage if they lack conflict resolution skills or have difficulty giving up on the idea of the perfect family.
- Awareness: Family members can discuss what is not working and how they feel about. Often, families will seek the assistance from a family therapist.
- Mobilization: Adults commit together to working it out and working together.
- Action: Families will still struggle with conflict but create new strategies for working these problems out.
- Contact: Adults have become adjusted to their new roles and children have adjusted to new traditions.
- Resolution: Step-parents are able to relate to step-children as their own children and step-children are able to take direction and feedback from step-parents.
Steps to Successful Family Blending
The California Association for Marriage Family Therapists suggests the following steps:
- Have realistic expectations: Approach changes in the family structure with a positive attitude, but do not assume that the transition is going to be easy. Adults need to be especially patient with children during times of transition as adjustment is sometimes more difficult for younger family members.
- Strengthen the couple relationship: It is imperative that all children see both adults as a united front. Conflict in the couple relationship can cause insecurity in children or encourage strong-willed kids to attempt conquer-and-divide tactics. Further, a lack of unity among adults in the blended family can often cause a parent to feel “in the middle” of the general child/step-parent conflict.
- Recognize that children are members of two households: Imagine feeling like you lived in two places, and just as you got settled in one place, it was time to go live at the next (whether for a few weeks, days or hours). While joint physical custody agreements can have many benefits for children, they can also be stressful at times. Further, adjusting to a new life in two homes instead of one may cause the adjustment period for children to take a little longer.
- Develop new roles: Seek everyone’s input on chores and family expectations. Communicate that change is safe and an opportunity for creativity.
- Find the right therapist: Because blending families can be very complicated, many families at some point seek the assistance of a trained family therapist. Family therapists can act as a neutral party in ensuring that everyone’s needs get met.
Parenting in a Blended Family
Some family therapists believe that only biological parents should administer discipline. This style certainly avoids some child/step-parent conflicts. However, in some cases in can actually take a family longer to move through the Blended Family Cycle. Because of that, more and more family therapists are recommending Parenting Plans. Parenting Plans help to strengthen the couple relationship and do not make the step-parent the bad guy.
References:
California Association of Marraige Family Therapists. "Yours, Mine, and Ours: Creating Successful Stepfamilies." San Diego: California Association of Marraige Family Therapists, 2007.
Papernow, P.L. Becoming a Step Family. San Fransisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1993.
